 UPDATED 6-22-06! UPDATED September 2008  
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No one knows the depth of my pain. Emotional turmoil fills my brain. Nothing eases how I feel. Only rejection and pain are real. No matter which way I turn. My aching heart gets burned. Slowly killing myself with loathing. Hating everything from my face to my clothing. Looking for that which I can never find. Love and blessed peace of mind. I have tried many times. Fallen for too many lines. Such as, "I love you," or "I know best." Heard from Parent and Lover, you can guess the rest. My soul is tormented by memories and could've beens. My heart is heavy with regretful sins. How can this ever end? Will I break or learn to bend. Who knows and God only cares. While I suffer through intrusive stares. In my anger and bitterness. I've proliferated my own loneliness. Mostly because I hate how I screwed myself up. Confined to a chair with only a leg and a stump. Knowing I let this happen without a forethought. Only caring if I got caught. Well caught I am, by my own folly. The monster in me hides behind a face so jolly. No one can tell I'm ready to blow. Where and when, who knows.
Can't you tell Disability is for real? Don't you know how it makes me feel? To sit with a smile as I use my chair. Doesn't matter how I got here or if it's fair. I'd rather you looked at my beautiful child. Having people gawk at my leg gets me really riled. Like you'd prefer I sit and drown in despair. I rise to the challenge of life, who cares if you stare? I surely don't cuz it only makes you look bad. You have no idea what it takes to get this far. It's ridiculous to be asked, "How do you drive a car?" As if it's your business and need to know. The way I see it, that just isn't so. Don't get me wrong, I understand your curiosity. It just gets old and indeed often bothers me. Why is it so hard for you to understand? Why assume 'I can't' when I obviously can? It might make you feel good to offer assistance. Please try to see that my practiced resistance. Has more to do with setting an example. Doing it myself, instead of having my esteem trampled. It may be harder for you to watch me try. But you'll be left in the dust as I wheel by. I hope you figure it out someday. Through poems and novels I'll have my say. I'm so tired of being misunderstood. Life is short, but all life is good. 9-15-98
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